It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she made him a full breakfast with a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring the coffee, he noticed a $5 bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this is just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the money for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you and he said, ‘Fuck him, give him a fiver.’”
The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”
Q. Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for a blow up doll.
The woman asks, “Would you like a Christian or Muslim doll?”
Confused the man says, “What’s the difference?”
“Well,” replies the woman, “the Muslim one blows herself up!”
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “What is the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”
So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?”
The mother replied, “Of course I would! I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like that.”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The girl replied, “Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!”
The boy pondered for a while, then went back to his dad who asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?”
The boy replied, “No, sir,” and tells his father the replies he’d been given.
“Well, son,” the father replied. “Surely it’s obvious: Potentially, we’re sitting on two million dollars but, realistically, we’re living with two sluts.”
Two guys were walking home from work one afternoon. “Shit,” said the first guy, “as soon as I get home, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties off!”
“What’s the rush?” his friend asked.
“The fucking elastic in the legs is killing me,” the guy replied.
A rich man and a poor man were talking about what they got their wives for Christmas. The rich man told the poor man, “I got my wife a diamond ring and a Porsche.”
The poor man asked why.
The rich man said, “If she does not like the ring she can take it back in her Porsche.” The rich man then asks the poor man what he bought for his wife.
The poor man said, “A pair of slippers and a dildo.”
The rich man asked “Why?”
The poor man said, “If she doesn’t like the slippers she can go fuck herself.”